WHY?

Just me, bumming...

I've actually got a ton of reading to get over but instead I choose to update this blog. Lots have happened since my last post, some minor, some really major. Yeah, like my dad passing away. I say that with such a casual tone it might seem like it didn't matter much. Trust me, it did. Well, for one, not having my dad around makes our abode a little less like home. My father was a jolly fellow. Although we were never close like, say, Kevjumba and his Dad, my father had a lot to do with my happy-go-lucky persona. I take life a day at a time, see more of the positive, laugh off trivial matters and actually handle sadness and loss pretty well. I'm like my dad in these uncanny ways.

Having tailor-fitted myself to a gay life (no pun) put me into a better footing at coping with his loss. With such deluge, my mom and sister didn't have the same happy bricks to stand onto. My father's murder affected them much more than it did me and up until this post they still have that destitute glimmer in their smiles.

Well, so much for sadness...I'm over that...moving on...



SINGLE AND NOT SO LOVING IT

I've always pondered on the fact of my non-existent dating-life. Why am I not ready? Why don't I give it a try just like how my other friends did? Is it really my choice?

I think I am emotionally and mentally ready for a relationship, I really do. Relationships aren't that complicated. That; however, is a conclusion drawn from the perspective of someone from the audience. What ingredients there are for keeping a would-be relationship going are exactly the same ones that would keep a friendship thriving. Well, to begin with, there's communication. I'm a really good listener! I'm also good at getting my point through. I've got covered a wide variety of topics thus the possibility of running out of things to talk about is quite unlikely. I'm also inquisitive, the lives of my friends are my bread and butter. I live off of it. I like getting to know their childhood mishaps, high school dramas and college frustrations. A great lot of my past friends and acquaintances have commended my superb ability of sympathizing with their plight. In fact, as I've come to realize recently, I am so good a communicator that I get to become the repository of top-tier blackmail-level secrets of almost everyone in my close knit of friends. This gift of mine; nonetheless, also is a source of depression at times. How come I'm always at the listening end? Why can't I be the one to talk? Oh well...

Veering back to topic, another strong point I've got in my arsenal is humor. I'm funny. I usually have a joke for almost anything you could throw at me. My friends; however, think that's exactly why I've got no dating life. You see, my jokes tend to be bitchy. Some first-timers may even consider them harsh. So, come to think of it, I must try not flaunting this around much.
Actually, the single biggest factor why I'm not in the dating scene is because of my lack of self-esteem. I am in crisis-crisis. I'm fat, no one gets attracted to fat gay guys. The slim, fit, manly gay guys get the juice. What I get is pulp, a mere illusion of sweetness one could taste from a fruity relationship. Yes, some might say, "Well, get your fat ass moving and loose those extra ounces kilos".  You see, that isn't the sole problem. I've got a skin condition. My skin makes even me feel icky. My self-doubt and loathing keeps me from meeting Mr. Right-ish. If only self-esteem came in packages from Amazon. If only my skin condition would be a thing of the past. Its hard to look at myself in the mirror, all I see is ugly. In a  world where physical beauty is the currency to a chance of getting into a relationship, I'm just damn defenseless, unadorned, down-trodden. 
Honestly, that's why I can't bring myself to come have a date. I try hard to get others to notice me yet I myself notice only the ugly side of me.