A Sigh

Hi. before I start rambling nonsense, let me first come up with a decent introduction, as that is what I've meant to write the myriad times I started to write for this first post. So here goes...

My name is Hayme. I'm 24. I am from down south from the Philippines. Geek would be a pretty appropriate term for a description of what I most usually am. If my being a second year Medical student wasn't proof enough, I would sit you down next to me under a clear night sky and start discussing Astronomy, Earth Science and how Vega will be the North Star in about 26,000 years from now.

I am also a big Korean fan. Aja!!! Been so since I got to know Dong Bang Shin Ki way back in 2004. I've tried watching all successful Korean dramas and movies I could get my hands on since then. I've got tons of downloaded performance videos of just about any hit chart-topping Korean artist and they're not your typical YouTube quality videos as they're all in 1080p High-Definition.

So yeah, I'm tech savvy but not uber interested in Computer Science things like making my own websites, flash movies and whatnot. I'm the type who could go 5 hours online without food and drinks. Blog surfing, Facebook stalking, editing Wikipedia entries, Plurking, and activities of this level are my usual day-to-day routine unless I have to pour my time into reading Medical books. I love torrenting PC games and movies. I could basically spend all a day's effort on looking for hard-to-find Indie LGBT movies and porn stuffs (yes, I can be horny too sometimes) and I feel great pride everytime I succeed in pirating them.

So yeah, having said it already, forgive me if I reiterate. I am gay. You wouldn't doubt my sexuality once you get to know me but by just looking at me, I don't usually fit several stereotypes. I don't like dressing up. On the contrary, I am a fashion disaster if it weren't for my sisters checking out what I wear if I do decide to go malling. And yes, I don't like shopping for stuff. I just basically go to the mall, pick the shirt I reckon would most represent my overall mood should I choose to wear it in a future event. I don't like going out to parties and bars and boutiques but I do love going to the beach and to mountain resorts.

What else? Uhm, I am a disappointment to my family. My mother trusts me no longer. I wouldn't blame her. No one could. After flunking eight subjects on my last two semesters when I was in UPLB, who wouldn't become the family's black sheep? So I transferred to the Ateneo after having applied for Honorable Dismissal. Why did I go haywire in the first place? Well, it had much to do with Erik Erikson's fifth stage of psychological development. As have most of my gay friends, I got sucked into that blackhole of questions as to who I really was, what my life meant, was my sexuality wrong, would I ever be accepted. You know, the basic questions a young gay Filipino guy would expect to question his own person with. So I got a little stuck, more and more of my free time was put into these thoughts until I just finally snapped back into reality only to find out I was too late in salvaging what academic plans I and my family had. Looking back, I wish I could have done better. Graduating as a UP student just was a dream, now it would never come to fruition.

But too much for negative vibes. I am actually a happy person. Simple things can make me happy. I would go karaoke singing with my friends every after term exams, buy myself tons of spare DVD-R's then burn sought-after Glee, Gossip Girl, Vampire Diaries, Merlin, Dexter and Naruto episodes for me to watch by my lonesome. I'm basically happy even just with myself.  

Yeah. I remain happy. But I won't deny this longing for a special someone whom I deem I could be happier with. I may suppress it most of the time but I can't deny the existence of a  desperate-romantic alter ego hidden beneath this chipping wall I used to keep myself locked in. It just haunts me sometimes. Scares me enough to make me cry myself to sleep these thoughts of growing up old and gray, all alone.  

But I don't think I'm ready for a relationship just yet. Heck, I don't even have permanent gay friends. Maybe that's why I spend most of my spare moments reading on the experiences of other gay Filipino post-adolescents. That keeps me sane sometimes. Keeps me from believing I am actually an alien in this planet. Hehe.

Hmm. Unless I make this my last paragraph, I don't think I'll ever end. So, I end it with...a sigh.